A scary place

I do what I can to express myself, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams, so that I may seem more approachable to others. One of my biggest concerns is that others will find me snobbish. A snob, in my opinion, is the worst insult. I've always been somewhat of an introvert. The degree of introversion I possess varies from wanting to avoid crowded public places to having trouble carrying on a conversation with a loved one. I have a very difficult time conversing on the telephone.

I often wonder what led to my deep bouts of introversion. As for talking on the phone, I wasn't able to talk socially on the phone for several years, at a time in my life when I otherwise would have wanted to. We lived in a long distance area from almost all of my friends while I was a pre-teen and teenager. It was during the days before cell phones, and I had to use a calling card to make any calls. My minutes on the phone were very limited, so I didn't talk much on the phone.

Nick also wonders why I have such a hard time socializing. He asked me why I dislike grocery shopping by myself so much. I tried to explain that it's the contact with others. He pushed further. I said it's because I was taught not to talk to strangers.

"But that's what we tell children. You're an adult," he replied. I have a hard time unlearning the lessons I learned as a child. I fear silly, childish things. I've lived in fear of so many things, for so so long. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized that most children don't fear the things I did as a child.

The second most debilitating fear with which I struggle is driving. My parents raised me to fear car accidents. I know, statistically, it's the way I'm most likely to die. And it scares me. I worry every day that Nick will be injured, or worse, in a car accident. I am a careful, conscientious driver because of my fear, which I'm sure was the aim of my parents, but I'm also so scared of driving that I won't go anywhere unless I absolutely have to. And if I do go anywhere with someone else who can drive, I won't.

Facing fears doesn't make them go away. If it did, then I wouldn't be afraid of public places, talking on the phone, or driving. I'm aware that these are things I must do to function in society. Unless I want to be a complete shut-in, I have to live with these fears daily. It would be nice, though, to find a way to no longer fear them.

I am a kind person, and I'm capable of having engaging conversations with others on a one-on-one basis. I rarely initiate conversations, not because I'm snobbish, but because I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to make others uncomfortable. I KNOW there are people who would welcome conversation in the line at the grocery store, but I also know that it would pain others. And I identify with that pain. So I offer a warm smile and continue on with my day, hoping others don't see the fear in my eyes.

I've come a long way just to be able to function the way I do. Obviously, I live with and face these fears on a daily basis. But now I see myself as capable and courageous. There was a time when public places would give me an anxiety attack. My grades suffered because I couldn't bring myself to class many days. It took me 6.5 years to get my B.A. because I had to retake several classes I had failed due to poor attendance. There were countless others in which I snuck by with a C. It hurts me to know how much academic promise I had that was flushed away because of my anxiety disorder. I earned a 3.5 my last two years of college. I often wonder what I could have accomplished without the fear. If I could go back and do it again, I would have had it documented. I'm not sure it would have helped. I just never saw my anxiety disorder for the disability that it is. By the time that a counselor suggested I have it documented, I was on my way to my last two years. Plus, I felt pretty invincible at the time, having just learned how to overcome and avoid panic attacks.

What's funny to me now is that people would ask why I didn't go to class. I would tell them I didn't like going to class. The truth is a lot of people don't like going to class; they're just not lazy, so they go anyway. So, I concluded that I was plagued by laziness and lack of ambition. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I love class. It was the going to class that I had a problem with. I feared both driving and socializing.

I can't believe how long it took me to realize that I wanted to counsel others. I feel like I can identify with so many of the issues people face in life. I've known for a long time that I wanted to help others and work in some sort of service field. I have myriad interests, but my biggest interest is in people. I like hearing stories and helping others work through their thoughts. I'm SO EXCITED to be able to receive appropriate training in how to best do this.

Dream big

It's late, so this may be less writing and more listing. E'ry now and again I like to look at house plans. We have modern/contemporary tastes when it comes to decorating, but I'm not sure about the style in architecture. I like it, but I don't know if I would want to live in it. And I cannot picture little ones without thoughts of messy clutterness coming to mind. Little things are messy, be them of the canine or human variety. Clutter doesn't fit in the modern design scheme.

I'm not going to post photos since these floor plans are highly copyrighted, so I'm going to go a bit link happy.

This is a bit of the contemporary style I was talking about. I lovelovelove the roof terrace thingy. And I love the pool/courtyard. But, I think the courtyard is something I could do regardless of the architecture style of the home. The floor plan is all wrong, anyway. I have a feeling we would need more than three bedrooms. :)

I like Victorian style architecture, especially in older homes. I think it's likely that we will build a new home sometime in the future, though. I'm also finding I like the French design. I asked Nick tonight if I could have a "princess house" and showed him this one. He liked the outside terrace thing. I like the turret thing. I also like the layout. It seems very functional. I think it's workable with some minor modifications. For example, check out this house. It's WAY too big and ostentatious for my tastes, but I like the little drive-through area. I think that could easily be added onto the left side of my princess house. Maybe I'm just saying this because I got rained on in my driveway today. Maybe it's frivolous, but I can see the functionality. Guests can come to the door without getting wet from the rain. And when does it ever NOT rain in the South?  See, it's an act of courtesy for me to have a drive-through. It's not like I'm going to expect my chauffeur to load me up in the Town Car there everyday. :)

Clean lines

My tastes are more West Elm than Pottery Barn. I don't like Pottery Barn. In fact, I hate Pottery Barn. I discovered this by paging through the PB catalog I requested when we updated our address with the USPS. I do not like traditional decor. I would not pay $300 for an ugly rug. And that's all it is too me - ugly. It reminds me of something that belongs in a cottage. I imagine those $2000 sofas covered in sand and fishiness.

I like clean lines. Is there any line, other than a clean one? 

I'm going to try this routine to get ready for my 5K. I kind of feel like doing more speed work today. I took a rest day yesterday. But I haven't just gone on a 2 mile run in awhile. If I start on the Wednesday, I'll need to do 3 x 400 next week, and I'll be off for the entire schedule.

We're running the Free to Breathe 5K to help the National Lung Cancer Partnership in Knoxville. Nick's putting together a team from his school. Hopefully we'll get some support and raise a little money for this great cause.

Decisions, decisions...

These are the two contenders for my kitchen shade. I'm really liking the green on white dandelions, but I'm wondering if it's too Horton Hears a Who-esque. I think it's cute today. And it reminds me of what's beyond the window, green grass and green trees. Green for now, anyway. I'm not sure what the stripes would look like on a large scale. Would they work in a shade when they're all bunched up?  Would they remind me of a circus tent?  Maybe I need to keep looking.

What do you think?  Any other suggestions for me?

A few more:

I like the bubbles, and I could easily bring in some black and white from the dining room. I'm really liking the second one. I just wonder if it's too much green. Then again, maybe more green than white would hide stains and water spots that will likely occur from the sink below.

Cars and cakes

After one of the more involved application processes to which I've subjected myself, I'm in. Until now, since my interview a few weeks ago, I was provisionally accepted. Now I think it's safe to say I'm in-in, since I was invited to register for classes today. If only. I can't WAIT to register for classes!  But, we're four wheels short once again. The Freaking Camry is dead. Well, not dead-dead. The radiator is busted, so says my husband. (I think he should stick to human diagnoses, but he certainly knows more about cars than I do.)

Speaking of human diagnoses, he has been eating and breathing the medical school stuff. Figuratively. I realize that statement may inspire thoughts of gnawing on textbooks or worse, and there is no such thing happening here. I feed him.

Actually, I baked a monstrosity of a chocolate cake the other day. It is sooo yummy and moist, but too large for two. I think it would prefer to be unfrosted. I don't like frosting. Anywho, if you attempt to make this cake, be ye warned - the batter resembles chocolate soup. The recipe says it will be thin. Apparently, this is what that means. If you wish to try before you buy, come over. I have 3/4 of a two-day old chocolate cake in my cake saver. Come and get it.

I need to buy postage stamps today. Somehow. So I can mail my bank deposit. So I can purchase more items by mail. I live in a (meteorite) hole.

Kitchen window shade

Like I said earlier, I'm feeling green. And whimsical. I want whimsical in my kitchen. Everything is so sunny here. So here's what I'm thinking today:

I think the dandelions are cute, and I like the amount of white with a touch of green.

I think this is too much green, but I like the white dandelions.

I really like the layout here, but I don't really dig the design.

I'm undecided on this one. The stripes are definitely whimsical.

I like the flowers, but the background doesn't look very white. It might be too much green.

I don't think Nick will like any of these or my color choice. But, I think he'll like the finished product. I just need 1.5 yards of fabric, so it's not a huge investment.

Green stuff

I want a green kitchen. Green, like the color, not the movement. I'm not sure there is a fresher color. I can't change the brown cabinets, brown flooring, or brown counters, but I can bring in some green textiles. I'm going to fabric shop for my window shade. We're still getting our finances figured out, but I'm guessing I could do the makeover for around $30 - rugs, hand towels, fabric for the shade, and mini blinds for the shade. I have lots of house plants to add some green, as well as a variety of green tea lights I picked up at Ikea. (And they smell like green apple - yum!)

I'm doing speed work today, 3/4 of a mile at a time. Speed work to me has always meant less than 1600 m (1 mile) increments. I've been comfortable jogging at about 6 mph, and I need to push out of that comfort zone. The goal today is to get through 3, 3/4 mile intervals, as fast as I can. I'm allowing myself a full recovery between runs. I don't know what I'm working toward. I don't really have a goal except for improved wellness. I guess I will know when I'm there when I can run farther, faster, with greater ease.