A scary place

I do what I can to express myself, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams, so that I may seem more approachable to others. One of my biggest concerns is that others will find me snobbish. A snob, in my opinion, is the worst insult. I've always been somewhat of an introvert. The degree of introversion I possess varies from wanting to avoid crowded public places to having trouble carrying on a conversation with a loved one. I have a very difficult time conversing on the telephone.

I often wonder what led to my deep bouts of introversion. As for talking on the phone, I wasn't able to talk socially on the phone for several years, at a time in my life when I otherwise would have wanted to. We lived in a long distance area from almost all of my friends while I was a pre-teen and teenager. It was during the days before cell phones, and I had to use a calling card to make any calls. My minutes on the phone were very limited, so I didn't talk much on the phone.

Nick also wonders why I have such a hard time socializing. He asked me why I dislike grocery shopping by myself so much. I tried to explain that it's the contact with others. He pushed further. I said it's because I was taught not to talk to strangers.

"But that's what we tell children. You're an adult," he replied. I have a hard time unlearning the lessons I learned as a child. I fear silly, childish things. I've lived in fear of so many things, for so so long. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized that most children don't fear the things I did as a child.

The second most debilitating fear with which I struggle is driving. My parents raised me to fear car accidents. I know, statistically, it's the way I'm most likely to die. And it scares me. I worry every day that Nick will be injured, or worse, in a car accident. I am a careful, conscientious driver because of my fear, which I'm sure was the aim of my parents, but I'm also so scared of driving that I won't go anywhere unless I absolutely have to. And if I do go anywhere with someone else who can drive, I won't.

Facing fears doesn't make them go away. If it did, then I wouldn't be afraid of public places, talking on the phone, or driving. I'm aware that these are things I must do to function in society. Unless I want to be a complete shut-in, I have to live with these fears daily. It would be nice, though, to find a way to no longer fear them.

I am a kind person, and I'm capable of having engaging conversations with others on a one-on-one basis. I rarely initiate conversations, not because I'm snobbish, but because I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to make others uncomfortable. I KNOW there are people who would welcome conversation in the line at the grocery store, but I also know that it would pain others. And I identify with that pain. So I offer a warm smile and continue on with my day, hoping others don't see the fear in my eyes.

I've come a long way just to be able to function the way I do. Obviously, I live with and face these fears on a daily basis. But now I see myself as capable and courageous. There was a time when public places would give me an anxiety attack. My grades suffered because I couldn't bring myself to class many days. It took me 6.5 years to get my B.A. because I had to retake several classes I had failed due to poor attendance. There were countless others in which I snuck by with a C. It hurts me to know how much academic promise I had that was flushed away because of my anxiety disorder. I earned a 3.5 my last two years of college. I often wonder what I could have accomplished without the fear. If I could go back and do it again, I would have had it documented. I'm not sure it would have helped. I just never saw my anxiety disorder for the disability that it is. By the time that a counselor suggested I have it documented, I was on my way to my last two years. Plus, I felt pretty invincible at the time, having just learned how to overcome and avoid panic attacks.

What's funny to me now is that people would ask why I didn't go to class. I would tell them I didn't like going to class. The truth is a lot of people don't like going to class; they're just not lazy, so they go anyway. So, I concluded that I was plagued by laziness and lack of ambition. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I love class. It was the going to class that I had a problem with. I feared both driving and socializing.

I can't believe how long it took me to realize that I wanted to counsel others. I feel like I can identify with so many of the issues people face in life. I've known for a long time that I wanted to help others and work in some sort of service field. I have myriad interests, but my biggest interest is in people. I like hearing stories and helping others work through their thoughts. I'm SO EXCITED to be able to receive appropriate training in how to best do this.